Constant Knot
by egm560
Summary: Tegan is in a near fatal car crash. What happens when she can't remember who Sara is, or what they had? Quincest.
1. I Wish It Would All Disapear

**A/N**: I'm having writers block with my other story, and decided to crank a new one out instead! This fic is based on the songs "Constant Knot" by City and Colour, and "New American Classic" by Taking Back Sunday. These are also the sound track for this fic, so I recommend giving them a listen.

Chapter 1: I Wish it Would All Disapear

Sara POV:

It's all my fault. I never meant for this to happen. One second she was safe in my arms, and the next . . .

"Sara, you need to take a break!" I shift my gaze to see my mum in the the door way of the hospital room.

"No mum, I'm fine! I want to stay! I need to stay!" She's now by my side.

"Sara," she says sternly. "It's okay, I've got her. I love her just as much as you do." _No, you don't! _"At least go get something to eat, you look awfully pale." I sigh and uncoil my hand from hers, not quite up for a fight with mum today.

"Okay," I comply. "But I'll be back."

"You always are." I take one last look at her cold lifeless face and head out the door. Sometimes it's hard to remember that's she's still here. I don't say alive, because she's not living. If Tegan could see herself hooked up to all of these machines barely clinging to life, she would want to be dead.

I make my way to the hospital cafeteria, and settle into the lunch line. I pick up my cutlery first, then the tray, main dish, sides. I pick things that I wouldn't normally eat, knowing that I won't eat this food anyway. It's become such a familiar routine by now, that and staying by Tegan's bed side for most of the day.

"Good afternoon Ms. Quin." I look up to find the cashier, who has also become part of my cadence.

"Hey Jeff." I give him a half hearted smile.

"Okay, the usual?" I nod."Three Twenty-five." I shell out a couple toonies and meander to my usual spot by the window gazing out at the cloud ridden Vancouver skyline.

"Hey stranger," calls a familiar voice. I quickly jump up and embrace its owner.

"Emy, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Montreal!" She finally pulls away and looks me in the eyes.

"I thought you might need me. Besides, Sarah's parents are in town and I needed to get away." We both chuckle. I pull her back into my embrace and burry my head into the crook of her neck.

"Thanks for being here Ems, I do need you." She pats my back.

"How is she?" I sigh, and we sit down at the table.

"Not well. She's been in the coma for two and a half months, and things aren't looking up."

"Oh Sare! I'm so sorry!" She grabs my hand.

"Don't be. It's not your fault, it's mine."

"Don't say that! You know this could have happened to anyone, just . . . don't blame yourself, please?" I nod unconvincingly.

"Sure . . ." She knows I blame myself but moves on anyway.

"So how are you?" She asks concern prevalent in her voice.

"I'm good, holding up, I guess."

"Don't lie to me Sara." I retract my hand from hers and fold my arms over my chest.

"Sara." The worry in her voice is replaced with anger.

"Really, I uh . . ." She grabs my wrist, a little more forcefully than before. I flinch, and she lifts up the sleeve.

"God damn it, you can't . . . I leave for a month and you've gone and . . . cut . . ." I pry my wrist from her death grip and return my arms to their previous position. Her voice breaks and tears begin to fall from her eyes.

"Emy, don't cry . . ." I unfold my arms and take her hand in mine.

"I love you Sara, and I can't see you like this. It kills me." She knows I can't stop. She knows that this is what Tegan does to me. Through out our entire marriage I cut myself, not because of our problems. But because Tegan hated that I chose Emy over her, she hated me. She didn't talk to me for months. I needed to feel something, cutting in a way was my only connection to her. Knowing that I was cutting for her.

"Are you at least eating?" I look to the food that remains untouched, and then look away. "Thought not."

"I just forget, I guess."

"That's bullshit Sara, stop trying to punish yourself for what happened. It's not your fault, it's hers." I began to protest, but she wouldn't have it.

"I'm going back up. You can come if you'd like. Mum's up there now." I bus my tray, and Emy saunters behind me.

...

"Emily, It's so good to see you!" I can tell by my mother's reaction to Emy's sudden appearance that she asked her to come. Even though her and I aren't together anymore, she still has this hold one meme. She and Tegan. They are the only two people who can save me from myself. But with Tegan gone . . . and Emy so far away . . .

"Sara?" I'm pulled out of my daze and look up at my mum.

"What's up mum?"

"I want you to go out with Emy, grab a drink, something!" I open my mouth to protest but she's too fast. "I get it, you need to be by her side twenty-four seven. But I'm worried, you need to get out!" Before I can respond Emy whisks me away and we're at the closest bar in minutes.

"Did she ask you to come?" Emy takes a swig from her beer before answering.

"Yes, but I wouldn't've come if I knew you didn't need me. And I wanted to." I smile at the last part. She picks up her beer and traces the ring mark left on the table from the condensation. "You never told me _all_ of the details of what happened the night of the accident." I take in a shaky breath.

"That's because I can't, and you know that." I can't even think about that night without coming completely undone. Sometimes I wish I could run away from all of it, disappear.

Tegan POV:

It's the same nightmare over and over again. Is it still a nightmare if I never wake up? Or is it my reality? I have a fight with someone, but I can't remember who. I know that they're important to me, but when I go to look at their face theres nothing there. I know their voice, sweet and loving, but nothing else is registered to it. There's a flash of red light and I'm back in their apartment. This time I'm watching myself.

_I trace shapes into her sheet-clad shoulder and smile at her shallow breaths._

_"Hey _?"_ The name is gone from my memory_. I ask, my voice meek._

_"Yeah Tee?" She turns over so we're facing each other, and I kiss her softly on the lips._

_"What would you think, if I . . . um, asked you to marry me?" She looks down. "_?" She starts to form her words, but they come out incomprehensible._

_"Tee . . ." My veins fill with anger. I rip the sheets from my body, and slip on the recently discarded clothing from the floor. "Tegan!" I go to speak, my voice shaky and rough._

_"Fucking, forget it! You can't just keep . . . Fuck you!" I slam the door and hastily grab my car keys. I run into my car not bothering to put on my seat belt. I drive down the freeway at two-hundred kilometers per hour, tears blurring my already cloudy vision. In the second that it takes me to take off the promise ring given to me by her a few years back-that was the first time she stayed the night, when she told me she would always be mine from that day on. No more sharing-my car is plucked off the road like a leaf from a tree. I flip over in mid air, and land hood down. The last thing I hear, sirens. The last I see, blood. The last thing I feel, a constant knot in my gut._

My vision goes red again, and I'm back in her apartment. The same nightmare over and over again. I wish it would all just disappear.


	2. What I Deserve

**A/N**: Let's try this again shall we? I rewrote the second chapter, seeing that it was kind of shit. Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors. Enjoy and Review!

Chapter Two: What I Deserve

Sara POV:

"Sara, I leave for five minutes to use the bathroom, and you smell like a brewery." I giggle and twist locks of Emy's hair in between my fingers.

"I could say the same for you!" She laughs a long with me.

"Come on, let's get you home!" We hail a cab, and Emy carries me up the stairs—which wasn't really a problem seeing how much weight I've lost in the past two and a half months. She unlocks the door and carries me to my bedroom.

I try to pull my blouse over my head, but land on the floor with a thud. "Emy!" I call.

"Coming!" She walks into my room, before I can say anything she breaks into a fit of laughter.

"I suppose I was a bit more inebriated than previously thought."

"Really now?" She taunts.

"Just help me up please?" She helps me to my feet. I go to remove my shirt again, but stumble. She pulls me into her, Emy's slight height advantage putting her lips next to my ear.

"I've got you, Sare." Before I can object I'm only in my bra and boy shorts.

"My, you work fast." She chuckles and goes to unclasp my bra, but I grab her wrist. "Do you really think that's a good idea?" She answers by repeating the act.

"Couldn't hurt, it's not like I haven't seen them before." I go to speak, but she cuts me off. "I miss you Sara."

Silence fills the room from her confession. My initial thought is to tell her to fuck off and go back to her hotel. But I stop myself, the offer to find out why she left me to tempting to pass up.

"Then why did you leave?" I try to keep the confidence in my voice, but the question evoked the memories of long lonely nights on my bathroom floor with a bottle of scotch and a razor. Much like I've spent my evenings for the past two months.

"I didn't." Confused I look her straight in the eyes.

"Yes yo—"

"I never left. You did." The lust that was in her voice moments ago is replaced with anger.

"I don't understand…" she lets out a chuckle mixed with what I can only conceive as pain.

"You checked out months before I did from this relationship." She stops and takes a breath before continuing. "She's all you could fucking think about. Fucking your own goddamn sister—"

"Emy fucking stop! You're drunk!" I yell.

"Tell me it's not the truth! Fucking tell me Sara!" I turn my head avoiding her glare.

"Emy stop, you're scaring me!" I whimper.

"She's not coming back, Sare. And if she does, she'll be a vegetable." As the last word leaves her mouth she hits the wall with the side of her right fist, the left still firmly holding me into her.

"Stop it Emy!" I try to wriggle out of her grip but she clutches me tighter. "Emy let me go!" Before I can utter another word she throws me onto the bed, herself soon following with her hands steadying herself on either side of my head, her own head bowed a few inches above mine. "Em, what are you doing?"

"Shut up Sara!"

I hear it before I feel it, the sharp crack against my cheek. I could struggle more. I could force her off of me. But I owe this to her. I deserve whatever she's about to do to me, just like I deserve all the cuts and the gashes on my body. I deserve the pain. I deserve to suffer, just like she did when her entire world fell apart just because of my sick carnal desire to fuck my own twin sister.

She rips off my underwear, shimmying down the bed till she's facing my mound. I'm bone dry, but she goes for it any way, sucking and biting. I try to wriggle myself away from her, but she clamps my legs down around her head. She makes sure to leave her mark up and down my thighs ironically enough, the one place I had never even touched with a blade.

Tegan POV:

I go through the nightmare again. My head gushes blood, and the knot twists tighter and tighter in my gut, but something feels off. I have gone through it a million times. I know every detail, every thought, every emotion that I have in this nightmare. But what I feel now is new. I feel betrayed, the kind of betrayal that comes only from infidelity. I watch myself slip out of consciousness, but the red flash that signifies the start of the nightmare never comes. Instead, I am met with white fluorescent light.


End file.
